Grandma Says · Leer en español · Posted
Ways to remember someone who passed: Grandma says say their name out loud
Meet Grandma and Auntie, and pick the faces that feel like family.
Mm-hm. The clocks fell back last night, so the evening comes a little sooner today, and the house gets quiet early. It is also Día de los Muertos, when families all over set out marigolds, photographs and a favorite plate of food for the ones who have gone on. Grandma has always loved that tradition, because it says out loud what a lot of us forget. Love doesn't stop because the calendar moved. Say their name out loud.
People search for ways to remember someone who passed at all kinds of hours: the week of the funeral, on a birthday, ten years later when a song comes on in the grocery store. There is no deadline on remembering and no wrong time to start. You don't need a big ceremony. You need a few small habits that keep their story in the room.
Grandma's ways to remember someone who passed
- Say their name. At the table, in the car, on the phone with your cousin. "Daddy would've hated this traffic." Folks sometimes go quiet about the people we've lost, thinking it's kinder. Most of the time, hearing the name is the kind part.
- Cook their dish. Make her cornbread, his gumbo, their Sunday pancakes. Follow the recipe or follow your memory. Set a plate out if that feels right, and tell whoever is eating with you where the dish came from.
- Make a small remembering spot. It doesn't have to be a full altar. A shelf with a photo, a candle, a flower and one thing that was theirs: reading glasses, a ball cap, a rosary, a coffee mug. Walk past it, touch it, say good morning.
- Write their stories down. Get a notebook and write one story a week. How they met, the worst joke they ever told, what they said when you got your first job. Ask relatives to add theirs. Stories fade faster than photos, so catch them while folks still remember.
- Do the thing they loved. Go fishing at their spot, plant their tomatoes, watch their team, play their records loud. Doing what they loved keeps a little of them moving in the world.
- Give in their name. Drop canned goods at the pantry, buy a stranger's coffee, help a neighbor the way they would have. Kindness was usually their best work. Keep it going.
Remembering together
Remembering is easier with company. Call the people who knew them too and ask, "What's your favorite story about her?" Then hush and listen. You'll hear things you never knew. Pull out the old photo albums at the next family dinner and let the kids ask questions. On a birthday or anniversary, pick something simple everybody can do wherever they are: light a candle at seven, eat their favorite dessert, send a picture to the family group chat.
And if you didn't grow up with Día de los Muertos, you can still borrow its good sense with respect: a photo, a candle, their favorite food, and a story told out loud. Every family and every faith has its own way of keeping the departed close. Use the one that fits yours.
When remembering comes at night
Some memories wait until the house is quiet. Keep that notebook by the bed and write the memory down when it comes, even if it's just a line. A memory you write down is one you get to keep. In the morning you can read it again, maybe call somebody and share it.
And some nights you may simply want somebody to tell the story to. Ally is there for that. Grandma Grounded is up any hour, and you can type, send a voice note, or call. Tell her about your mama's laugh or your granddaddy's truck. She listens to the whole story and she'll be honest with you. Then Auntie Grounded comes in at the end to send you off right.
Auntie's last word
Okay now, come here. Cook their favorite dish and tell their story. Tonight, this week, whenever you can. Burn the first batch if you have to, chile, they'd laugh at you and you know it. Put their picture where you can see it, say their name like you mean it, and tell somebody one story they haven't heard. That's how we keep folks at the table. I see you.
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